What does exploring grief have to do with my sobriety and mental health?

by Brooke Summers-Perry, co-founder, collaborator, coach, We Practice Life

How do you process loss? What do you consider loss?

What happens when you don’t process it?

To me, unprocessed loss feels like I am dragging a train of fabric behind me. Not a beautiful silk and lace wedding gown train. More like heavy sleeping bags zipped together stretching out longer than the freight trains that run through the middle of town. Every loss that goes unprocessed camps out on a sleeping bag, sitting criss-cross applesauce, arms folded, head nodding with a hmph that means, “I’m not going anywhere until you acknowledge me and give me the attention I deserve.”

During the first decades of my life, driven to only look forward, I noticed how tough movement became. In my own stubborn ambition, I folded my arms and leaned forward pulling the increasing weight with me until there was one passenger too many.

A mistake, mishap, or miscarriage tripped me up. My momentum failed me, and I fell back into the crowd of sorrows I had ignored for too long.

After taking my first painting class and especially after taking my first writing class, I realized how expressive practices eliminated the buildup. With prompts that bring awareness, expression, and release, my creative practices became a maintenance plan, tune ups for my human engine. I have many practices now, ones I’ve collected on the varied tracks I’ve taken throughout my life, including the practices I picked up while becoming a spiritual director.

Years ago, at my sister inlaw’s request to hold her grief in my heart, I took myself on a labyrinth walk. While holding her pain in front of me as I walked in, I started noticing on all the heavy passengers behind me. I began to acknowledge each one. As I stood in the center at the pinnacle of my symbolic journey with her burdens and mine, I began to release all the ways I could not control or shift any of these sorrows. I realized that I could let go of the perceived control that made these heavier for me. I accepted their existence. I laid down their burdens in the center of the labyrinth. As I wound my way back out, the same path I had taken in, I was aware of what I was letting go of. I became more aware of an increasing lightness about me as I walked back out. I realized that this simple activity allowed me to more fully honor each loss. I had a felt sensation of facing my limitations, the parts I couldn’t change or control.

Deliberate steps on the way in helped me focus on what I carried. More lighter steps on the way out brought my attention to the freedom that comes with exploring loss.

There is a big difference between repressing grief and exploring and expressing it. Exploring it feels a lot like empowering myself. As a human, I don’t have control over much. I sure can handle a lot more when I process what I have already experienced. One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in the past 3.5 years of avoiding alcohol is how much better I can avoid numbing agents when I start noticing and better directing the passengers on my grief train. I’ve been managing depression and anxiety since I was 8 years old. It took me decades to acknowledge the specific dance I was having with drinking to manage my anxiety and avoid my pain. In the past year, while focusing on specifically exploring grief, I am learning how much my unprocessed grief has fueled my anxiety and depression. Every step of this dance tends to be a very unique experience. For me, my sobriety, my ability to better manage my depression and anxiety, depends on exploring my grief regularly. My ability to engage in the joys of life are directly related to processing grief and loss. Staying on top of it is the only way I can be fully present and aware.

I am delighted to explore grief and gratitude while leading a small group at The Jung Center Houston on Saturday, Nov 4 from 9a-12p with Jodie Gonzalez, LCSW, the co-developer of We Practice Life’s latest practice deck, “Exploring Grief.”

Register for Jodie and Brooke’s Grief and Gratitude workshop at the Jung Center Houston, Sat. 11/4 9a-12p.