emotion regulation: expression

When it was time for me to post about emotional expression as an alternative to emotional repression, I got smacked with plenty of my own practice to do! 

I was excited to bring some of my favorite practices to some of the most beautiful settings, in nature, my favorite place for self-reflection and meaningful connections. I had been planning for months to put on mini retreats and weekend retreats. I had even made hefty deposits a few years ago. But registrations weren't flowing in like they had for previous retreats. Workshops I was excited to give were cancelling due to lack of interest. At the same time, I thought my art was getting better and better and yet, even on the highest traffic times in the studio, no one was buying anything. There was no escaping these thoughts, "What if my investments in time and money in my two greatest passions never take root? What if I am wasting my time and money? What if no one cares?" You can see how this would not give me the motivation to keep up a once a week pace with sending newsletters. Writing the newsletters feel a bit like talking into a void to begin with. I thrive in conversation, in the feedback loops. Writing these newsletters is one part leap of faith and one part unsolicited advice, like, "Here, have my favorite practices so you can have a more fulfilling life, even though I know it may come across as annoying unsolicited advice."

I was in a loop and rather than advise anyone on how to get out of it by feeling the feelings, expressing them and learning from them, I needed to give myself space to work through my own. I was out of new canvases and had no budget left for buying more, so I grabbed a painting I didn't really like and started painting over top of it. I used chalk pastels, and let the texture of the canvas scrub tons of dust off the edge of the chalk, making a vibrant pool of bright red and pink. I used black and felt my feelings and my needs get more and more clear to me. I used pouring medium to settle the chalk onto the surface and mixed in some acrylic. Using acrylic markers, I wrote the words of the strongest feelings and greatest needs I connected with at that moment, "To belong, to be enough, courage, and curiosity." I was validating and affirming my experience. I felt less knotted inside, lighter, and clearer. Here's the painting.

enough 24x36 mixed media on canvas

You may be thinking, good for you, you are an artist. But how do I work icky feelings out? I only recently saw myself as an artist. Before using art supplies, I danced it out. If you can call it that. Imagine someone jumping an imaginary rope and putting out a fire with their feet at the same time. Whatever it takes to be with the feelings long enough to acknowledge them, really feel them, and move yourself through them. Journaling is another great way to do this. I have some students who have literally ripped their paper while moving through the feelings. Whatever it takes.

There were decades that I repressed my feelings. I had a lot more stress-related symptoms then. I also had a lot less patience, curiosity, and stamina to do the problem-solving that comes after a big life lesson that brings on the big feels. May you work through big feelings, find your resolve, and find a way to move on to the next glorious possibility with curiosity and clarity.